Why Emotional Connection Feels Impossible Today

He was very nice but that wasn’t what I had in mind.

I’ve never met a pair of eyes like his.

It was as if they could communicate with me and when he spoke in a normal conversational tone about everyday things, his eyes said something completely different.

No man has ever put me in my place so quickly.

And by place, I mean place.

The same place where my parents put me when for once there were people in the house who cared about me.

You don’t understand friends.

I don’t understand myself.

When I sat there with him, I felt the same feeling of being forced into a space I hated and experiencing the feeling of being excluded and being forced to suffer through it.

At the same time, I felt a sense of security in not having to do anything other than just be.

Not having to do anything, be anything, have to show anything.

It created a sense of calm.

Like a lake in a dark forest to sink into.

But of course, the beasts are lurking in the bushes.

They always do.

I have a hard time describing what I experienced tonight.

We didn’t move on.

I didn’t even finish dinner.

I didn’t want to go there.

Everything happened so quickly and so much came back.

Towards the end he took my hand and looked me in the eyes and his gaze burned more than it had all evening.

It made me pull my hand back.

“I can’t,” I simply said.

“It’s not that I don’t think I would want to, but I can’t…

You have to understand.

You’re bringing up things in me that shouldn’t exist.”

With those words I left.

Maybe I was too honest with him.

He looked sad and I could see that he wanted so much more with me but the last thing he said was that he didn’t want to do anything that spoke against my essence which paradoxically made me want him more, but I didn’t give in.

I walked out of there regretting ever starting this experiment.

Maybe I even regret writing about it?

NOTE!

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The silence between two people can sometimes say more than a thousand matches.